Coaching Circles – What it really means to help

Have you ever noticed the extent to which we are driven by a need to get things done, to move things forward, even on projects or commitments that are not always clear or meaningful to us? It’s like being in a trance; our nervous system is on, ready to deal with any obstacle or contradiction along the way, as long as it keeps moving. It’s understandable; we’ve been valued and praised all our life to perform and to push through. Naturally, when helping others, the first thing that comes to mind is to figure out what they could do next. We want to relieve them of the pain of not knowing what to do. We want to feel useful. We want closure.

While magically finding an answer may temporarily relieve the pressure, it won’t produce any development. It may even preclude a whole horizon of possibilities that can only be uncovered when we take the time to really understand the kind of person we are helping and what their world is like. Perhaps we don’t even realize the arrogance involved in backing someone into a corner with our great expertise and how we may be robbing them of their dignity.

This is often the first reflex I see when peers are working in coaching circles. While the attitude may be one of service, it does little to support people in growing at their development edge. With practice in coaching circles, we see a gradual turning away from advice giving to more open-ended questions that leave the responsibility for addressing the situation where it belongs: with the client. On our way to this form of “cleaner support”, many fall into the trap of asking “HOW” questions prematurely, even coaches! Our old habits die hard. Before the client can make sense of what their contribution is to the situation they are facing, “HOW” questions push them away from getting too close to their inner experience. They keep things rational and logical. They keep things moving. None of this messy feeling stuff!

So, before moving too quickly on what needs to be done or narrowing the inquiry to what has worked in the past, get to know who you are dealing with and what really matters to them. Walk a mile in their shoes. Then ask questions that will help to reframe their current reality, i.e. a new way of understanding their situation, their role, their contribution, etc. In this “new territory” there will be less familiarity, less relying on past strategies and more potential for creativity. This way of coaching will honour people wherever they may be in their lives. It will support what they take up as experiments and set them free for the path that awaits them. This is what true support is all about.