Attuned listening – Do you really care?

If you bring it down to its core essence, I believe that good listening is all about caring for one another. Even with good intentions, this is easier said than done.

When all I think about is what I want to say next or how right I am, my listening is obviously very selective and I probably have an agenda to push…being right likely ranks high on that agenda. I’m not sure we can really call that “listening” but if we were to give it a label it could be “biased listening”. I’m sure that you notice pretty quickly when the person you are in conversation with has this posture. It’s like you don’t exist or what you think or feel doesn’t matter.

When I really focus on hearing accurately what the other person says, my centre of attention is clearly shifting to the other person. I often repeat, summarize or emphasize words or statements simply to ensure that we are on the same page. We could call this “accurate listening”.

Is that enough though when there is obviously so much more than words being traded: judgements and opinions, moods and emotions, sensations and reactions. When we take into account the whole world the other person is in, above and beyond the words, there is so much more color and texture to what is being said. It makes this heightened level of listening more complex but also so much more lively and rich. Many call this “empathetic listening” because it requires a capacity to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. This is a real gift and unfortunately it’s not that common. Most people don’t grant others the legitimacy of being fully who they are.

We might think that we’ve made it to the top of the listening charts if we can manage that! Yes…and I contend that we can go one step further by practicing “attuned listening”. What attuned listening provides for is my own experience in the conversation – not my agenda like before – but what is actually happening to me in the present moment as I engage in a conversation. In this place I can be fully present without losing my own sense of self. I am conscious of my own emotions and reactions while remaining fully connected to the other person. The other person feels seen, heard and understood. I feel connected, alert and compassionate toward myself and toward the other. I also recognize the dynamism and the constant ebb and flow of attention and energy between the other person and myself, like the movement within an infinity loop.

We explore the role of attunement in our new Online Course on Facilitating Coaching Circles and how this kind of oscillation between the facilitator-coach and others in the group enables “right action”…knowing when to make a move, when to hold back and when to simply let the process unfold. Visit https://coachingcircles.ca to learn more.